Resistance and Re-entry

Santa Lucia, Ecuador

Tomorrow is my first day of class as a graduate student. This post is about what it has been like to come back to the United States "for good" and what reverse culture shock looks like when it's not really shocking, just a slow dragging of the feet.

I ended my time in Ecuador with unconscious resistance. This was most obvious when I was scheduled to be flying out of the country but was actually-- true story-- drinking wine 3 hours from the airport (not totally my fault, but my inattentiveness to numerical dates could partially be blamed). Then, I accidentally rescheduled my departure for two days later instead of one, which I only realized after a series of goodbyes which had to be awkwardly repeated 24 hours later. Once it was finally my departure date, I missed my first car to Quito (again, not my fault, but might have been avoided with pro-activeness), and then nearly missed the 10pm deadline to pass through immigration when my flight was delayed (I thought a 4 hour delay would mean a few extra hours hanging out in a cafe with my boyfriend).

Ambato, Ecuador, from my former apartment

It's like the world didn't actually want me to leave. Or I didn't want me to leave. Self-sabotage?

For me, the difficulties of what people call "reverse culture shock" or re-adjustment to one's home culture no longer take the form of panic attacks in Wal-Mart and acute disgust for Americans. During my trips back and forth, I've found I generally slide between the USA and Ecuador with relative ease. The American public = tall, rude, obsessed with convenience. The Ecuadorian public = short, rude, doesn't understand convenience. Both places are fascinating and eternally frustrating. You get over it.

My former apartment, 2 years after moving in

So my "reverse culture shock" has little to do with cultural differences, but a lot to do with cognitive disputes between Ameri-Kim and Ecua-Kim. Let's get serious: Ameri-Kim would NEVER have missed the initial flight on July 29th, would have offered one goodbye per loved one, would have showed up alone and on-time in the airport just as planned. And yet I didn't and wasn't. I was Ecua-Kim, irresponsible with dates and irresponsible with... you know... responsibilities, good at a lot of things most foreigners will never be able to do in Ecuador, but progressively worse at things like preparation, production, and punctuality.

This resistance-- not only manifest when I left Ecuador but also in things ongoing (I still haven't prepared for my first class tomorrow, or learned where the library is)-- does not stem from a disdain for the USA or reluctance to be a graduate student. I've been applying for two years, I want and need to start. I am privileged to start at Brown. It also didn't stem from a self-righteous vision of "personal significance" in Ecuador that I don't have here; I don't claim to have 'made a difference' in the '3rd world', being candid-- I was mostly on vacation.

Hiking above Ambato, Ecuador

Rather, I would attribute the foot-dragging to hanging on too long to habits that need to be left in the Southern Hemisphere. It's time to let Ecua-Kim be somewhere else... Lord knows she can't cut it in grad school. I've been on much-needed, completely beautiful, 2.5 year vacation from a place (academia), an idea (academia), and a person (Ameri-Kim). I haven't sprinted back, but I'm here, so it's time to be present.