Hello from Home

A Eulogy for Fall Semester

Oh, Fall of 2009. Today I bury you, for good.

You showed me the awesome and terrible limits of the human body. The all-nighter, followed by the all-dayer, followed by two hours of semi-pointless meetings and a terrible nights sleep because the neighbors are always celebrating, loudly. You showed me the frightening depths of human intellect; how to skim an entire novel in spanish in under an hour; how to craft a thesis during a lady gaga dance break in the library bathroom; how to write endless pages; how to write more endless pages and revise the endless pages previously written and subsequently destroyed by a professor. You ripped the perfectionist right out of me, because sometimes, Fall 2009, there is just no freaking way to get everything done. Much less done well. Much less done well, while still showering on a daily basis and remembering to consume calories other than espresso-based beverages and the soup they serve at the student union. If there was a legal blood-caffeine limit for operating vehicles and theorizing from university classrooms, I would be in jail. I wager I could have triumphed over you, Fall 2009, if I had no life, no friends or other relationships, no feelings, and no existential crises about being a senior. Because I am a full human being; far more than my intellectual or even physical capabilities, you seem to have won this round.

You, fall semester, were hell, and I shall not miss you.

because being a senior means (at times) having no answers.

"Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer." --Rainer Maria Rilke ‘Letters to a Young Poet’ (1934)

"It is only clear to me that her waiting was not patient, not placid or resigned, and if she didn't know tomorrow's date, it was because what she yearned for wasn't coming tomorrow or the day after or even the next week, but it forced her to wait, to allow time to pass and the wind to blow." -- Laura Restrepo

Excerpts from my desk

My desk is an orchestrated chaos. It speaks volumes about who I am.

- 39 separate library books. In piles and rows. Titles include, "Ethnopolitics in Ecuador" "Sex and Revolution: Cuba" "Global Shadows, Africa in the Neoliberal World Order" "La Chulla Vida" "The Power of Mindful Learning" "Sociology and Mass Culture" and "The Child in Latin America."
- Cards and letters. Themes include: Jonas Brothers (the card sings), Michel Foucault (from a professor), Stick figure drawings (from an Ecua-friend).
- Business cards: Skin Solutions massage therapy, Jazzy Jewels jewelry, Abe's Automotive, Denison University Director of Career Services.
- Fortune cookie fortunes: In the ocean of knowledge, only those who want to learn will see the land. Listen to yourself more often. Your talents will be recognized and suitably rewarded. When one must, one can. Wo chi shuigito (I eat fruit).
- Addresses: California, Minneapolis, South Carolina, Virginia, Ecuador.
- Pictures: Catie. Jenny. Anna. My students. The beach. Ryan. Janelle. Jess. Laura.
- Folders, papers and more papers: Fulbright docs, Post-grad, tutoring, resumes, sophomore retreat leader binder.
- Words. "generosity. courage. self-respect."

Statement of Ethics-- Senior Research

I am a first-time teacher in Muisne, a rural island off Ecuador's northern coast. I am a researcher. I am white and female and very young. I stick out in appearance; I open my mouth and stick out even more. I am confined by my gender; in the street, I walk quickly and do not acknowledge the piropeos (cat calls). I cannot be alone on the beach. I am a teacher, but I am a friend. Children buy me coconuts and shout “Profesora” as I wave by their doors. Why do they trust me?

The teachers are buzzing before class one November morning; there has been a rape. The principal details the situation in front of four hundred students during morning formation. He yells into the microphone. He demands better conduct. A meeting ensues between the principal, the female victim, and the male accused of rape. I am invited to be present. The principal interrogates the 14-year old girl, she is silent. He evokes her sexual past, implying that she is promiscuous. Moreover, she spends time with known homosexuals on the island and he concludes that she “probably has HIV.” The accused rapist goes back to class, embarrassed but cleared of all charges. The girl is silent and looks at her hands. I am silent and horrified. The principal turns to me and says with disgust, “This is Ecuador. This is Muisne.” He assumes that I (as an American?) share his sentiments and agree with his course of action. My disgust is with him, yet I am implicated on his side. All of my roles seem to collide. Who am I? Who do I protect, and can I still protect my job? There is no time. We leave the office. The girl walks back to class and will not look at me for the remainder of my time teaching in Muisne.

As the situation I describe above implies, there are many moments when anthropological research cannot be neatly categorized as either “ethical” or “unethical.” Grappling with questions of ethics, although rarely done in public academic circles, is an integral and often unexpectedly jarring part of social research. In this essay, I would like to address ethics in my senior project by focusing on three research “phases”—the origins of research, the process of research, and the consequences of research.

You can read the entirety of my statement of ethics HERE.

Senior Moments

I've been having a series of "senior moments." I mean this in both senses of the word "senior."

First, there is something quite distinct about being a 4th year student on a 4-year residential campus. Underclassmen look to me in awe and fear. Perhaps they too realize the future is charging, and my nearly-graduated presence reminds them of their own unpreparedness. Perhaps they just want to get on my good side so that I can buy them alcohol, or help them with their Spanish homework. Either way.

However, I also have "senior moments" where I legitimately feel like a senior citizen. I am old around here, and not cool. But here's how I know my maturity level is beginning to exceed college: I don't care. I mean, anyone who knows me knows I've never been particularly "raging," as it were. But this year I've given into most of my stay-in-Saturday and "Oh! I love NPR" urges. This is partially exhaustion and partially an acceptance of who I am (and am not).

On Being Constructive

I am applying for a 1-year English Teaching Assistantship in Ecuador through the Fulbright Student Program. AH! Real life! Fulbright grants are competitive, so I've been honing my essays since May. I am incredibly grateful for the help and support (often in the form of harsh criticism) I've received from professors/mentors/friends. However, can we all stop to consider the fine art of constructive criticism?

It is very late in the game, and I am finalizing my application. Comments such as "change your thesis" and "I don't understand why the commission should give YOU the grant" without providing specific places for improvement are less-than-helpful. Be specific, people. Vague and scathing is not helpful. (Cue the sappy music)... these are my dreams! I think I speak for many soon-to-be-graduates when I say that this year is terrifying. Get on board, or move out of my way!

Words

I think words are important. The following is an excerpt from Technicians of the Sacred, a book compiling indigenous poetries from around the world:


"Man is moved just like the ice floe sailing here and there in the current. His thoughts are driven by a flowing force when he feels joy, when he feels fear, when he feels sorrow. Thoughts can wash over him like a flood, making his breath come in gasps and his heart throb. Something like an abatement in the weather will keep him thawed up. And then it will happen that we, who always think we are small, will feel still smaller. And we will fear to use words. But it will happen that the words we need will come of themselves. When the words we want to use shoot up of themselves-- we get a new song." -- Statement by Orpingalik of the Netsilik Eskimo Tribe

Perhaps this seems to summarize many experiences your life, as it does mine. I cannot help but think of Ecuador. There was absolutely a fear, sorrow, and smallness associated with the experience. But whether it was researching/loving/living/teaching/writing, the words I needed came "of themselves." And here I am, still singing my "new song."

My Summer in World of Warcraft

Over the summer, I received a grant from Denison to conduct anthropology research on World of Warcraft-- the popular multi-player online game. Yes, every teenage boy's dream job! Because WoW is a pop culture phenomenon, people seem intrigued.

I have made the full manuscript available HERE.
Note that isn't meant to sound harsh, but inevitably will: As I work towards possibly publishing the manuscript, I request it only be used or referenced with my consent.

The paper is about gender in World of Warcraft, and draws on my own experience and interviews with fellow players. It is quite lengthy and heavy on theory-- If you're short on time but still intrigued, I suggest skipping to either Chapter III (game design), Chapter IV (virtual gender), or Chapter V (actual gender and marginalization).

I am proud of my work and much indebted to my research advisor, Susan Diduk, for overseeing the project. Neither of us had any experience studying technology, gaming, or anything even vaguely related before the summer-- it was definately a shot in the dark!!

Birthday

Tomorrow is my 21st birthday! I am thrilled to have made it to the seemingly arbitrary age where I am allowed to purchase and consume alcohol. No more X's on my hands at concerts that require brutal exfoliation to remove. And perhaps more importantly, I am now eligible for all the radio contests that require you to be 21 to win. Turning 21 almost feels ironic. I've always been old; now I'm just catching up.

Like every year, this birthday I will spend an inordinate amount of time preparing my wish before blowing out the candles on my cake. I suspect many people wish for similar things: a hand to hold, satisfaction, strength in the upcoming year. In other words... important things. No one wishes for their neighbor to stop having loud parties, or for Oprah to unexpectedly decide to do 10 more seasons (although both of those would be amazing).

I can't tell you what my exact wish will be or it won't come true. But... it'll be important. And big. I can't waste any opportunities this year!

Blog Take 2 (american style)

I'm resurrecting the blog.

I know what you're thinking. Why? Your life is nowhere near interesting enough to blog anymore. You held my attention in Ecuador, with the bull fighting, sex-ed teaching, dangerous public transportation, mountain climbing adventures. I concede that my life is markedly more boring now. I live in Ohio, I spend many evenings indoors writing papers. I get excited to go to my favorite coffee shop or when my schedule allows reading for pleasure.

I am blogging again for several reasons. The first is jealous inspiration. Many of my friends have interesting, funny, or thought-provoking blogs, and I appreciate being kept up to date on their lives. The second is my senior year of college. I'm making some big plans (and small plans) and would like to keep a record of how everything materializes. The third is contact. My friends and family are increasingly dispersed across this great world, and nothing substitutes personal communication (even if it is en masse).

So however you know me (or don't), I hope you partake in the excitement and terror of my senior year of college. These are, perhaps, my final carefree days of university life, in this utopia of Denison, planning and seeking and eventually finding what comes next.

Video Clips

This is the Rio Blanco in Banos, Ecuador-- so beautiful! The bridge that goes over Rio Blanco is the bridge we bungie jumped off of.



I took this video at a rural school we visited. The kids have a couple hours a week of "culture class", where they learn about their traditions as indigenous tribes. In this video, they are learning a traditional dance that is performed June 21-- the sun festival (the longest day of the year). The little boy distributing scarves represents the sun god.



This was during the Fiestas de Quito Independence parade. These women are performing a traditional dance from one of the Indigenous groups. It was a HUGE parade!



This is a goodbye message from 2 of my students. They are basically saying, we were in your sex ed class, we'll miss you, we love you, you always have our friendship!

Home!

I've been back in the USA for several days now. All my flights were calm, on-time, and carrying my luggage-- Milagro! (Miracle!) I am working on putting all my pictures online. I have only brushed the surface with the pictures I posted here, there are many more crazy adventures to see if you are interested or bored at work. I will let you know as soon as those are available.

So, the USA. 1.) Is not like Ecuador. 2.) Has changed a LOT since I left! I have not been updated on basic news items since August. I am watching old episodes of Daily Show with Jon Stewart to get a quick review on all I have missed.

They warned us about "reverse culture shock", or the readjustment phase upon returning to the US. I would say my biggest hurdle is returning to the monotony of daily life and re-involving myself in the things that I left. It is weird to go back to all the same people when you feel you've changed significantly. I also have more of an issue with the over-consumption that characterizes middle class America. Christmastime doesn't help. Today I went shopping and almost had a heart attack upon comparing Ecuadorian and American prices. Also I am pretty sure the lady in front of me spent like 95 dollars on a fake flower arrangement. Seems unnecessary.

Thanks for reading the blog over the past several months. It has been really fun to keep it updated and stay in contact with you all. I wonder how one becomes "a blogger"... one of those people that gets invited to events just so they can blog about it. I would like to just carry my laptop around and continually post about useless things.

My Research Paper

I am just finishing up a 25 page research thesis on the social and educational implications of adolescent sexuality in Muisne. I have had some people ask for a copy, which is grand. Except... it's all in Spanish. So if you speak Spanish or would like a copy regardless, let me know. I presented it orally today, and turn in the written work tomorrow.

And then I am done! I go back to the states in less than 48 hours. Scary. I'll post as soon as I get back.

A Bull Fight and Another Embarrassing Situation

I am only adding this picture to lighten the mood before showing bull fight pictures. PETA members and the faint of heart should not scroll down.



Post-fight.

This bull is about to be dealt his final blow.

So, the bull fight. Ryan and I went on Saturday (the last day of Quito’s independence celebration), which was a beautiful sunny day. When the sun comes out in the mountains on the Equator, it is also quite hot and you are likely to get dehydrated and sunburned, which still somehow surprises me. The fight is quite the classy occasion given what takes place. Everyone comes in cowboy hats and boots. I knew what was coming… Quito's bullfight is a pretty renowned occasion, and yes, they kill the bulls. There are 6 rounds-- 6 matadors for 6 different bulls. Whichever matador kills the bull in the most glorious fashion (basically gets the closest to being speared by bull horns) wins.

Round 1. Man, it was really hot. The opening procession was beautiful, all the matadors in their costumes. There are other matadors on armored horses that come out and spear the bull as well. It is really quite gruesome, but also beautiful in a medieval way.

Round 2. Started to not feel so great. Really, not great at all. Told Ryan. Started hearing only buzzing, started seeing only grey blobs. There was no escape, there were 1000 screaming bull fans and I was in the seat (of course) farthest from a door. I passed out, apparently unresponsive for at least 4 minutes. When I woke up I had 6 Ecuadorian firefighters and Red Cross workers around me. I started talking to them in Spanish! That is fluency! Everyone was staring… and this was an ARENA mind you. When I finally got up with the medics helping me to the shade, people cheered. I had strangers coming up to me the rest of the day, laughing because the foreigners always pass out.

I think it was a combination of dehydration, altitude sickness (I had just gotten back from the coast) and bull blood. I would just like to publicly thank Ryan for putting up with me. You can't take me anywhere. After intermission I went back and watched the last 2 bulls, actually kind of enjoying it. I felt sick the rest of the day but am much better now.

Sorry for the graphic pictures, it's hard to envision the situation without them!

More Muisne Pictures

Cows grazing on the beach.
My coworker Vicenta, me, and my wonderful Muisne host mom Anita. We are fishing!
Some of my favorite students. All teachers have them!
Drinking coconut water (una pipa), which is delicious, parasite free, and apparently quite good for you. In a hammock! I will miss island life.
Message to my friends and family!
Puppies! Janelle's host family's dog, Lulu, gave birth to 13 puppies. I almost stole them.
At a beach bonfire with some friends from church! Probably exactly the same thing I would be doing if I was at home! Some things don't change across cultures.
Some of my students invited me to hang out at the beach with them the day before I left Muisne. They are so amazing! This was definitely the most satisfying part of being a teacher.

Carl

I just read my e-mail and found out that Carl Warner, a longtime swim coach of mine, died on Friday.

So here I am, on an island in Ecuador. I cant even express how much of an influence Carl had on me in high school. He was there for so many early mornings, so many impossible hours of swimming and swimming. He always made me laugh when I thought I would just drown. He was there when Catie died-- before, during and after. I am in his facebook fanclub. He was there during my proudest moments. Even when he wasn't my coach anymore I would sneak over the other teams deck space to talk to him. He was always sick, we joked that one day he would just die during morning practice. I saw my swim coaches as often as my parents in high school. We always laughed together. I will really miss him.

My life as a teacher

Girls playing in their classroom during recess.
Two of my students in decimo, about the equivalent of 9th grade.

Muisne has held two community-wide peach marches in the month I have lived there. The purpose is to protest the sharp increase in drug use and violent crime over the last couple years, especially that which targets youth.

So, ironically, I did not get to upload any more photos in Quito. Its now Monday, I am back on la isla. I had a really fun weekend, too busy enjoying Quitos Independence celebration to get on the computer. Quito apparently has one of the best independence days of Latin America. It is one giant party... for 8 days!! We went to a HUGE kickoff parade this Saturday. We also bought tickets to see the bull fight next Saturday (this is my last week in Muisne!). Apparently the bull fight involves much blood, and by the end there are six dead animals. But honestly, when am I next going to see a bull fight?

Happy Thanksgiving!

I am back in Quito for Thanksgiving. This is just a quick note to wish you all well. There is a huge feast today at 2 for all the students in my program and their host families. I am bringing the mashed potatoes, it was nice to spend all morning peeling potatoes just like I would have been in the States. I also got to talk to my family (cheaply!). I am sad I have to miss a slew of Lewis Family traditions like watching the dog show, eating chex mix and cheese ball, and putting up the Christmas tree. Alert to my family: DON´T PUT MY BABY ORNAMENT ON! Save it for me and I´ll put it on when I get back.

Thoughts needed for my host family here in Quito. My host mom´s ex-husband and the father of her 3 children is in the hospital and in really bad shape. He was drugged and assaulted 2 days ago while stopped at a stoplight. The robbers took his car, phone, wallet, everything, and beat him until they thought he was dead and left him in a ditch. He still hasn´t regained consciousness, though they are pretty sure he will live. My host mom is manning the phone at home (which is ringing off the hook) and my host siblings are at the hospital.
I will be in Quito all weekend enjoying the company of my friends in the short time we have left. I will definitely post pictures soon, because I actually have internet.

Pictures!!

This is my bed. For those who have never slept under a mosquito net... it is kind of like a lace cage.
We went to Mompiche, another nearby island, in this boat over the weekend. We were almost capsized at one point because the water was really rough. Like many many situations I confront in Ecuador, it was funny afterwards, but I assure you it was quite terrifying in the moment. Also, I just got an email from the consulate, the subject line reads: "WARNING: Piracy Concerns off the Coast of Ecuador." Oops. A little late.
Ryan, Janelle and I on our last night in Quito. We splurged on a nice meal before heading out into rural areas to work.
These 5 girls are like my fan club. They are 12-13, the youngest students I teach. The whiteboard has our thought of the day... "la violencia genera violencia" or "violence generates violence".
Here he is. Señor tarantula. In my sink. I haven´t seen him in a few days, but I am sure he is planning the next hand towel ambush.

I am off the island

I left the island for the first time in 3 weeks today! Right now I am in Atacambes, an hour and a half away. I needed to get money, and there are no banks closer than here. Yes, ladies and gents. I honestly just traveled an hour and a half to get money from an ATM. Feels good to encounter civilization again.

Latest health saga (abridged version)... I began my day with a hydrocortizone shot. I have a puffy, gross, rapidly spreading red rash on my left side. And my face is swollen. It is a contact allergy, so I guess I will be changing my sheets tonight. I swear I know the doctors as well as Janelle or Claire, who are doing their internships there. The nurses see me come into the ER and are like... really? again?

This weekend was amazingly fun. My friend Ryan came to visit from Cotacachi, about 10 hours away. 20 hours (total) by bus over the mountains..that is loyalty. We went to Mapichu, another closeby island, on Saturday by boat! There was a surfing competition, and the weather was sublime. Pure sunshine, blue water. It is winter, so sun is a rarity (sunburns not so rare). At night we relaxed on the beach and chatted about how weird it is going to be going back to the USA. Sunday morning me and Janelle trucked accross the island with mugs full of coffee for us and Ryan. Half was spilled by the time we got to his hotel, but it was worth it. Sunday morning coffee with your friends is such a luxury. We are planning a road trip this summer with the money we thought we would use in Ecuador, but did not because everything is dirt cheap.

Research. My student interviews are going well but I need more teachers and parents to talk to me. I hope my students are learning in my class. I know I cant change the machista culture where boyfriends have "the right" to touch their girlfriends however they want (<-- quote from 12 year old girl), the reported age of sexual initiation is 13 (average of over 30 responses), and I have students that think you get HIV from mosquitos... but I do hope someone gets something positive from it. The bell rings after class last week and I just feel like yelling, "OK, Lets not get pregnant this week!" to my students as they walked out.

Shout out to Keith (my friend Janelles husband). She told me you were reading!! We shall meet one day. Want to come on the road trip?

Wildlife

There is a giant tarantula living in my bathroom. It is the size of my hand. It started last weekend when I went to wash my face, and almost touched it as I reached for the faucet. I did not scream, I just walked away, slowly, slowly, turned off the light, and tried to forget about it. Well, actually I came back and took a video of it with my camera. Pictures to come, I promise. I tucked the mosquito net extra tight.

This morning, I washed my hands and went to dry them on the hand towel next to the sink. I saw one hairy leg. I looked around at the other side of the towel and there it was, hiding. Waiting to attack. This is war. I am contemplating the best way to kill it, as this is not a squishable-sized spider. I think machete is my best option.

I also had a run-in with a bull today. There are cows grazing, randomly and seemingly without owners, all over the island. I walked out of the school today, there was no one around. All of the sudden, a young bull (not fully mature) came running around the corner. It was seriously booking it right towards me! It probably got within 10 feet of me and veered to the right. Just kept running. It was one of those experiences where you just look around, realize that absolutely no one saw, and just laugh because it was so ridiculous and only you know about it.

My Island Weekend

Sick round 2 update (round 3?): I have some parasite issues. Oh, the things I have contracted down here. I am going to the lab to pick up my test results after lunch. At a certain point here in Ecuador, you lose all sense of privacy or shame. So walking to the hospital with my poo test in my back pocket really didnt bother me. This is one nasty bug. It only hurts at night, when I am in a resting position. And when I say hurts, I mean HURTS... like I honestly feel like something is gnawing at my intestines. Yum.

Things have been getting much better here in Muisne. I live right next to the evangelical church (the only non-catholic church) and met some really nice people there. Saturday night we went salsa dancing at Quilombo, an all salsa danceclub. EVERYONE goes dancing here. If you are between the ages of 18-100, you are at Quilombo on Saturday night. Unfortunately, I am still not good at salsa. But it is still fun to try, and people forgive me because I am a gringa, therefore permitted to make an ass of myself. Saturday and Sunday we spent all day laying on the beach. There was actually sun (rare in wintertime).

I am learning to navigate my teacher-role pretty well. My students are everywhere, this is a small island, with a big rumor mill. So I try to be careful with who I surround myself with and my actions all the time. I am a friend for my students, but I am also an example. For instance, drinking alcohol here seems to rarely be done in moderation. I should be careful of having a beer in my hand, since perception is everything. My personal life is very much on display for the community and the entire school. The most common questions I am asked are: Are you married? Do you have children? Why do women get married so late in the USA? Is love not important until later? Etc. My personal life is completely thrilling to my students.

My new host mom, Anita, is really awesome. We have really awesome conversations about politics, religion, etc. Very similar personalities.

New Family, Sick Round 2, and Teaching

I have a new family! It is a small and quiet household-- one woman (about 45 years old), and her father (roughly a million years old). She moved in with her elderly father when her mother died earlier this year. She is very soft-spoken and kind, reads a lot, takes care of her dad, and goes to bed early. The father doesn´t say much, but is hilarious when he does talk. Much, much more my style. The house is wonderful. I have a view of the bay, which boats cross all day and night taking people from the mainland to the island. Anita owns a small clothing shop which is directly below our house.

My new Mom is an amazing cook. Because of her dad´s health, she serves a lot of organic fruits and vegetables and goes easy on the oil. This is a rarity in Ecuador. Last night we drank organic hot chocolate, which her sister sends to her directly from a cocoa plantation in the country.

Unfortunately, I got sick.  My first night in my new house, I was embarrassed. I am trying to convince my host mom that it was not her cooking, I probably just swallowed some water brushing my teeth or something. It was seriously painful for 4-5 hours, but I got everything out and feel better.

Yesterday was also my first day teaching. The sex ed teacher that I am supposed to be working WITH (not for) did not show up. This is common, I feel like school is basically a giant babysitting service. Luckily I can think on my feet. My first class (9th graders, about 15 yrs old) went really well. The second (7th graders, 12 yrs old)... a little tougher. First we talked about why we were here, and established why it was important to learn about sex ed in the first place. It was very conversational, a lot of me asking for ideas on a topic and waiting for responses. At the end of class, I had everyone write their secret sex ed questions on little slips of paper and put them in a box. I don't think they have ever done anything like that, it is mostly just lecture on whatever the teacher knows. The questions are really interesting, kind of hilarious, and will give me direction for next class.

Things are looking up, I feel much better with my new living situation. Hopefully I will learn the vocab and information I need to teach better too.